Retirement speech.
A retirement speech is a thank-you with a story in it. Two minutes, one or two moments only they would recognise, and a toast to what comes next. Draft it here, then make it yours.
A good retirement speech is 90 seconds to 3 minutes: one specific moment that shows who they are at work, what the place loses without them, and a toast to the years ahead — not a CV read aloud. Open with the moment, not with 'for those who don't know me'.
Write my retirement speech
Three true details in, a draft out. Read it aloud once, then edit — the good one is the one in your voice.
The shape that works
- 1
Open with a moment
The server that died at 5pm on a Friday. The time they stayed. One specific scene beats ten adjectives.
- 2
What they were, not what they did
The job title is on the invite. Say what it was like to sit next to them, to be new under them, to call them at 7am.
- 3
What changes now
One honest line about the gap they leave. Keep it light enough to say with a straight face.
- 4
The toast
Turn to them, raise the glass, one sentence about the years ahead. Then stop — the stop is the best part.
Three openers that make people lean in
I was asked to say a few words about Anne, and the honest problem is choosing which few.
Thirty-one years. I did the maths: that's roughly seven thousand mornings of 'has anyone seen Mark?' — and we always had.
Before the glasses go up, one story. It's short, it's true, and it explains everything you need to know about her.
Swap the names. The point is the shape: a moment, a number, a story — never 'for those who don't know me'.
What to leave out
- Reading their career history — everyone there lived it.
- Inside jokes nobody else gets. One is charming; three is a wall.
- Going past three minutes. Nobody has ever wished a speech were longer.
- Ending on 'anyway' — end on the toast.
Questions people ask
How long should a retirement speech be?
Two minutes is the sweet spot: about 300 words. Three minutes is the ceiling. Ninety seconds is plenty if you have one good story.
What if I don't know them well?
Say so, warmly, and speak for the people who do: 'I've only worked with Anne for a year, but I've heard the same three stories from everyone who's worked with her for twenty.'
Should it be funny?
Warm first, funny second. One real laugh is worth more than five attempts — and the laugh should be with them, never at them.
The card, and the gift
The speech is for the room. The card is what they keep.
The speech is for the room. The card is what they keep.
Put the toast line in a card — free, in a minute — and add a gift they choose themselves if the moment calls for it.